Sinic Meets Santa

A. Sinic Here Means Ethanol, OR .. A Wordplay on Sinner+Cynic .. (the meaning of article would depend on your interpretation)

B. I'm NOT purposefully Trying to hurt anybody's Religious/Festive/any Sentiments, Nor am I Offending anybody's right to be offended .. But, I'm aware that I might've just ACCIDENTALLY crossed the Bar, For which I'm Pre-Emptively SORRY (bold, italicized and ... wait- for- it UNDERLINED .. Exonerated )

C. Nothing against Christianity or Hannukah, for all you know, the writer has also created a parallel Ramayana.. So sit back and enjoy (or atleast pretend to)

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The coolest thing about being an insomniac is, you don't realize who you are after 2 A.M. and you get to meet a lot of Interesting people, namely Lonely-unloved-Vampires, Tooth Fairies asking for Dentist's Addresses and but off-course SANTA*

(* Conditions apply, Please read the offer document carefully before signing or refer to THE RED HERRING PROSPECTUS** )

(** RED HERRING PROSPECTUS: Santa shall visit your abode, only If H.R. Dept shall cover full expenses of the travel and re-imburse in a week of submission of form 2-A.
And only if you've been good or have offered him tea, handpicked by Assamese women above 18 years of age (Santa's finnicky bout child labour) and Alu Pakoras shallow fried in oil aided with Oryzanol and is low on cholesterol)

So after fulfilling all the pre-requisites about his visit, I heard a thud on my Door ..

I did Not have a chimney and Santa-the-Proud-LINUX-owner won't take WINDOWS !

Entered Santa, and the rendezvous began ..

Sinic: So Santa, what brings you here ?
Santa: 1stly, ARE YOU Taping it ??!? I don't want to get into the Radia-like mess ..

Sinic: (Thinking to himself: God ! Why didn't I think of it before ?! this totally could've been my INDIA-TV Moment or ... an Entry Pass to Big Boss-5 .. and he secretly turns on his cam-corder) NO Absolutely Not !!

Santa: Thanks, since you're NOT taping .. Where's the promised food ?!

sinic: Shall get it soon, Oh ! You're driving a TATA NANO !! Where are your Reindeers ?!?

Santa: Umm.. Yess ! About that .. it's world's biggest and Costliest oven with Wheels .
Had to stop driving Reindeers,As Menaka Gandhi went on a Hunger Strike with adequate support from from Arundhati Roy, regarding "Prevention Of Cruelty On Animals Act."
The Only Downside of Nano is .. I Can't Deliver Gifts in W. Bengal and specifically, Singur ..
Wondering, If I can use Elephants next year from U.P. this thing gives less mileage ..

Sinic: I see, your Bag .. Shorter than the Previous Year .. Why ?
Santa: Yeah ! 2009 was tough .. there was this- RECESSION and thence job cuts, and thenafter when I wanted to travel .. there was a Volcano in Iceland ..

Sinic: No kidding.. You faced Jobcuts ?? whoa ! how did ya manage then ?!?
Santa: It was simple .. We plead for a BAILOUT and Got a Stimulus Package .. was a plum-cake-walk ..

I mean, that's the best thing about our Govt. The top corporate officials end up in a Scam and thence decalre a bankruptcy and the Govt. without a breaking a sweat, gives you the TAXPAYER's hard-earned money from the same corporate .. Just like that ..

Sinic: Whoa ! That's like Crap-Eating-Crap-andthen-excreting-Crap ! Anyway, I'm always excited about your Costumes, They're Red & White .. The SAME colors of a Doft-Drink Brand .. a Mere Co-Incidence ??!?
Santa: No !! Next You'll say, "Santa Wears RED ! He must be A Freaking Maoist !!"

Sinic: I Was just Asking, Sorry .. But Tell Me, how does this JOY_OF_GIVING Feel ?!?
Santa: Joy-Of-Giving ?! What is that ?? I Mean Christmas, Where is it ?!?
In your Mobile phone ?! in form of various ASCII Texts from "people-like-beings", who won't talk to you when you're together ? At times like these I think friends couldbe bought and that TOO at 25% Discount ..
In form of 50% Off Christmas Bonanza Offer at Already-overpriced Malls, who've completely killed skilled labour and this sale is nothing but Stock Clearance ?!
In form of Christmas Parties, where everybody's wearing what they think others might like and talking in a "lingo" that muight make them sound cool ?!
Sinic: Come On ! It's a Lot Better than that, You bring joy and smiles to a lot many kids and still instil a Belief about the triumph of good ..
Santa: uh .... Now My Head is spinning ... The Way you said it makes me Want to ASK for a SALARY HIKE !!

Sinic: Sure man ! Tell me more about your job .. it must be exciting ..
Santa: You bet ! I travel a Lot .. plus i get Easy Visa to UK/USA/CANADA/OMAN/QATAR/DUBAI ... And Nobody cares If I'm a PATEL/SINGH/NAIR/BABYKUTTY/KAUR ...

The Coolest part, I DO NOT have to give a GRE, TOEFL, IELTS, SAT ...

Sinic: I'm Really glad that we met, My faith and belief in Religion was Dwindling amidst all the capitalization of Festives ..
Santa: anytime Kiddo ! Do "Like" our Page : SANTA RULES !! on FB and follow us on Twitter ..

Sinic: Just 1 last Question .. You keep a watch on people, if the've been good or Not, WHO keeps a Watch on You ??

Santa: Not Now !! I'm already behind schedule,I've got a Frantic Text from FINANCE Dept ..

saying I've gotta give the BIGGEST gift to a somebody called "J. Assange" .. The guy Must Be REALLY GOOOOOOODDDD !

1st of many more to come

OK...

Finally SKOOPIEKSH came to life !!

I thank SHWETan From the bottom of my Intestine ... ok .. so here it goes...

enjoy...,

THE GREAT INDIAN WEDDING !!

Welcome to the oldest and the longest running Reality Show on the planet!!
Oh Yes! With 40% less body odor and 100% less Rakhi Sawant (or anyone from her family.)

It all begins with guy finding a girl (or a guy, Damn you 377), and after knowing, (what her father has in, stored for him), her better, he proposes to her…

THE PROPOSAL:

The proposal is also super-cheesy. The girl senses that guy is gonna propose, cuz guy has applied soap and perfume after years… the last time he did that was on SCHOOL’S FAREWELL DAY! And he has worn the same clothes that he’s been wearing since last 3 years at the COLLEGE ANNUAL DAY …
The guy quintessentially orders all the Punjabi food with paneer and cashews in it...
While the waiter is away,

RAJESH : sssshila !! Will YOU MARRY ME ???
SHEELA: Oh ! RAJESH ! Yes I Would …

(The girl can’t say no ! as saying a no would mean sharing the bill for the food that has quantum proportions that could feed the whole Africa !! )

(I can’t Figure it out, why the proposal always has to be made in ENGLISH !)

THE MEETING:

Rajesh’s parents meet Sheila’s parents and after checking how SANSKARI is her KHAANDAN (translated as how wealthy they are), the final dialogue goes something like this…

“ Ab ye hamari Beti hai ! Bus hume kuch nahi chahiye … Aapko jo aapki side se dena ho, de dijiyega !!”

THE INVITE:

The invitation card is generally CREAM COLORED with RED FONTS !!
Oh no ! Like GOOGLE WAVE… Marriages too are especially by INVITES ONLY !!
There is a code for invitation : The one who can bring good gifts, gets an invite …

THE RELATIVES, who get the invite stop eating till the marriage day !

1. the girls need to look less pathetic than they actually are !!
2. their main purpose is to stuff all the food in their tummies on the wedding…

THE WEDDING :

The relatives wear Flashiest clothes possible .. No ! seriously, you actually have to wear SUNGLASSES to prevent yourself from the harmful rays emitted out of the saris..

The BRIDE applies so much make up that Rajesh actually is in doubts if she’s the same girl, he proposed to…

The BRIDE”S MOM has wore enough jewellery for BAPPI LEHRI to dig his own grave out of shame !!

The relatives arrive at dinner time and after usual Hellos; they ask, “arre bhai Khaane shaane ka kya intezaam hai ?!!” (shanne doesn’t mean BOOZE at All… JUST saying)

THE FOOD:

It all begins with soup, Now, there are 2 kinds of soups.
the regular tomato soup
the Chinese soup, whose name people can’t pronounce correctly.

No one goes for the TOMATO soup, everyone exalts themselves by the Chinese soup…
The guys, try to woo the laydeejh by all the chivalry at the CHAAT counter...
The WW-III is always fought at the MANCHURIAN and NOODLES counter…

Then comes the true test of a man’s character : To stand in the LOOONG Line for the main serving, everyone looks like Somalian standing for the food packets provided by the UN.
If a man shall behaveth in this line,god shall grant him heaven .Amen ! (Genesis 18:25)

The criticism for the food and the wedding starts after the 3rd serving…

Then comes the BURP !

“Bhai GIFT key PAISE toh VASOOL ho Gaye!! ”

And they Eagerly wait for the next wedding….

The Audacity of SOAP !!

Ok, Firstly i'd like to complain to all of my Friends, (acquaintances and haven't mets too !!), for not encouraging me enough to participate in "RAKHI KA SWAYAMWAR" (RKS)..
No, seriously, how could they not realize that she was the 1 for me !!
But, today, i lament the very fact, taking vicarious pleasure, sitting on my couch with weeping heart !!
As one of ma friend would've put it.. "it is so bad, it is so bad that you seem to enjoy it !!" Or the way i put it, its NOT BAD, It's pathetic, Pathetic to the very core, and while watching you want to poke a finger in the eye and, touch the OPTHALMIC CORTEX oF your BRAIN, and LOSE your VISION completely !!
I mean, we have suprmundane individuals with chutzpah, with impudence and (all the other humongous words, synonymous with DARING, am yet to learn !!)

As I write, outta CHOSEN 16, 9 have fallen and the Brave 7 remain !!

I get goosebumbs, when i think how Audacious, these 12,000 people who auditioned for RKS would've been !!
Come on !! she couldn't have married to all 12,000 of ya, or more precisely all 16 of ya !!
But, what's funny is how these guys express their love for their "VENUS", ya with cheezy poetry, like "east or west, my love for you is the best", and the abyssal depths of their love which can't be explanied to thee o' mundane !! (RAM KAPUR, who is hosting the show !!)
I have, made a striking observation, Rakhi has almost chosen everyone from U.P., hey !! atleast here U.P. guys are not dejected !!
Then, there is 1 guy, who has studied only uptil, 1st year, and is jobless and expects to marry her !!
Then there is 1 baldie, who has flew all over from CANADA, to marry her !! Oh ma GAWD !!
And, they write love letters to Rakhi !!
Then, there was 1 guy, who was already married since 6 years... had 2 kids and expected to MARRY ....... AGAIN .......

But, whats more Funnier is to see how OUT OF WORK ACTORS (a.k.a RAKHI's FRAAANDS !!), turn up and make the guys DO, all sorts of ACROBATICS !! What's Marriage got to do with : "go fetch the flag, 26 ft. high above the ground in 3 mins.", or "show your dancing abilities and IMPRESS RAKHI "....
1 question, that strikes me, is WHY THE HELL SHE is NOT her USUAL un-LACONIC-SELF ?! is she afraid, that if she unleashes the demon, every1 is gonna run away !?
The other one is, why does she have to wear too many revealing clothes even while she is CRYING her HEART out, or Ranting about her mother in the post-show presentation ?!
BUT, 1 thing ijj phor certain !! This so FAR ! is the wonly Reality TV, where, We'd be feeling SORRY for the WINNER !! And would be eagerly awaiting for a new SPECIES to inherit the Earth !!!

Gujarat, A DRY state !! hein humor ??

A sorry day for all gujaratis. 16 people died by consuming methanol in A'bad. Firstly, let me rhetorically ask this question, is Guj. really a dry state ? For ego-pampering government, yeah it is ! DRIER than Atcama desert, Chile. But, if you ask any self-respecting guy, or some of ma liquor-aficianados, or a rickshaw drivers, you just might have a different answer, and open up avenues to plethora of possibilities !! yep.. gin, rum, vodka, whiskey, scotch, brandy, you name it.. they'll have it.. I remember a friend reciting ABCDs of Alcohol !! And he had a brand name starting from A-Z, and a friend's B'day party, where we had 3 exciting flavors to chose from !!
Gandhiji, is whose fond memory we've declared Gujarat a DRY state, was "THE FATHER OF THE NATION", thence why wonlY Gujarat, ij suffering the TAG of Dry State ? Shouldn't the whole nation be "DRIED OUT" ??
And why aren't Gandhiji's other virtues being overlooked E.g. Righteousness ( go try being in a government office) or Good Handwriting (Doctors, that one is for ya) or minimalistic clothing ( o waita mint jee.. !! mallika bhabhi does that !!) or Ahimsa (nope pramod muthalik or Raj thakrey, not you, this is for ma younger brother !!)
And why are special permits given to law officials for alcohol even in Gujarat ? See ! this is where problem begins and the PERMIT is USED upto its OPTIMUM POTENTIAL !!
Firstly, Alcohol, is an inevitable part of a social fabric, you can't do without it ! It is always going to be available, dry state or not ! There are always going to be losers who wish to drown themselves in Alcohol, be it due to thier GFs or Wives or Bosses .. And where there is a Will there is a GRACE !!
people go meshuggah in Guj. over Alcohol as there is a paucity, once there is abundant flow, people might get used to it, and would react more sanely over it.
It would create more employement opportunities. And again, do we think there are going to be DRUNKARDS goin berserk all over the town ?! That rarely happens even in places where there is no ban.
Do we think there would be more accidents ? probably. But, the Actual reason for accidents is not Alcohol, but THE EASY-TO-PASS-PERMANENT-LICENSE-TESTS. You just have to carve an 8 and lo ! you got the License ..
Do we think there are going to be more Rapes ? But those perverts are going to rape anyway, even in Fully SoBer conditions...
The deaths have got a zemblainity on the government !!
There was liquor, is liquor, and would always be !! Go ask at any boys hostel !!
If liquor laws are not lifted, more poor people are going to die as they can't buyEasily availabe, Exhorbitant, hassle free liquor !!